"Hi Ho Hum. im in school, distracting myself.i was looking at my fingernails and realized all the white spots on my nails from not having enough calcium in my system.i should get lactaid so i can drink milk and eat more dairy.yeah so i was gonna go to Kids Peace today, its a home for kids who are in a bad situation at home or have mental problems (i think i should be there, i mean im crazy right? yeah i didnt think so either), but i decided not to go because i dont think i could give them the attention they needed. so im really getting into this bust im doing a some tattoed girl, she really hott. i fixed her boobs today....yeah.she looks good now.ceramics are alot harder then people think to work with. i really enjoy doing it though. Mrs. Marcinko (my AP art teacher) is FORCING me to erase pats face from my project of him, cause everytime i try to work on it i start crying, stupid me, so shes making change it to dave's face. but she wants me to work on it like this week, and i dont think i can yet.oh well ill try.rob lended me his new tattoo magazine to look at. he gives me a hug everyday now.funny.yeah and him, sara,ben,sumer,and a couple other people told that they were "Worried About Me", thats scary, i mean i dont smile for 4 days and automatically im like on suicide watch.im not that dumb, christ. i love my life, or i did, i still love some parts of it, except the parts where i feel like no one wants me.i hate that feeling, i really truly do. i have nothing to do this weekend, it bothers me more then usual cause at least with pat we could be bored together. this sucks. and ya know what? i have 2 count um 2 spiders in my bathroom, and hes not around to kill them, he always shoos them away for me, or trys. i want to talk to him, but i dont because im so afraid hes gonna just yell at me again and say really mean things to me like before, and im afraid its gonna hurt more then it already does, if thats possible. but i do want to talk to him, because i love him..... i cant do this right now..............."
"last night: so first kate picks me up and we go back to her house and then we go to Zern's, and i bought all these wierd sex pistols pins and Run DMC's "tougher then leather" LP. and some wierd tapes, like patsy cline,chumbawumba, and the history of Rap. so yeah on the way out all these people in thier cars kept honking at us and pulling up next to us and doing stupid funny shit.so then we were gonna go to pat's and give him a get well card, but i figured that he wouldnt want to see me, so we ended up driving to boyertown to see if Johnny V was home.he wasnt. so we drove back to kates house and amanda picked us up there. and we went to some party at some guys house. and there was a really nice girl i met who likes less than jake, she was pretty cool. she found out i was sXe and was like " you dont mind if people do drugs around you, do you?", me thinking she was talking about pot said "no" so she whips out a mirrior and starts dicing and snorting coke off of it.....haha.it baffled me for a bit. but im not a hata.so yeah i hope it snows and we have off monday, cause i need one more mental health day.i cant concentrate on anything. and i have all this art to do, i havent done any art since sunday night, and im like scared i lost my talent or something, haha it sounds stupid i know.i just wish things were as they use to be,i wish i was happy again.i wish all this pain and frustration and hopelessness would just fade away, i keep waiting to wake up from my dream. but its not a dream, everything did happen,and even knowing that im not, i feel more alone then ever.all i want is for my best friend to love me.im dreaming..."
"dear santa clause,
Pat called me last night to ask me something important.hearing his voice hurts my insides.knowing someone i love hates me and never wants to be with me ever again kills me.i feel like everything i ever wanted and hoped for is completly dead.my dreams,my feelings, all the love i felt,...gone.i hate my life now.i miss the way i use to wake up in the morning and actually have something to look forward to.i mean i love my friends and my art,...but theres nothing when im just a shell of what i use to be.when i think about what ive lost i feel like im drowning, like im trying to breathe underwater.im not even excited for christmas because im not getting what i really want.him.im so pathetic, its all my fault he doesnt want me.its all my fault he doesnt love me.its all my fault.i just wish that he knew how much it hurts, because when i talk to him, i try so hard to play like theres nothing wrong at all, like were just friends and la di da.the last entry he made in his journal, its not even towards me.i know it.he doesnt love me...i dont know if he ever did.everytime i talk to him, he tries to say these mean things just to hurt me.i just know it.and he knows that i wont say that it will, but he knows it does.my friends keep reasurring me that hes an asshole and that i need to get over him.its been getting easier,...but harder.i hate crying,i hate it.its been 2 weeks and 2 days.it feels like its been longer, and because of me and my stupidity,and because he hates me and doesnt love me,it will be forever.i want my best friend back.thats all i want for christmas.thank you santa.-love megan."
So those entries were from 2 years ago around this time, i just thought they were interesting, so yeah read them if you want haha, there mostly all about pat breaking up with me, no lie.
but some of the things i wrote doesnt sound like me now, at all.
and in the second enty sounds like fun, i dont remember it really haha, but it sounds like i had a good time.